The "Best" White Rappers You've Never Heard

A few months back, I did this big ol' thing about black musicians in rock and metal that I was fondly reminded of today. In recently coming upon a piece of music I can only describe as Allah's sunny nectar leaking down from the heavens— a fresh track off Limp Bizkit's new record, Gold Cobra (out today!)—I thought: there are also some really funtastic white rappers out there.

Today, I'm giving you the other side of the coin; those phenomenal wizards of the word who have just done so much for the vanilla face hip-hop community. You may not recognize many of the names on the list, but like any truly influential artists; their titles are oft forgotten while their influence stands.

Michael Clancy

Ya' know he's doing it. (Yo- who's doing it?). God's doing it, and a nü thing at that—channeling all of white middle-America's potential for terrible rappability into a winded ten-year-old's unsuspecting hands. M. Clancy may not have made much of a name for himself in the rap world of today, but with moves like butta' and a flow this tight, it's clear that God must have spent a little more time on ... other things.

Boostalk

Like peanut butter? So does Boostalk, apparently so much so that he decided to record a track with a mouthful of that gunk swuwwulling awound. If you can make out more than 20% of what he's saying, mad props.

Chuggo

AHHHH C'MON FUCKIN' GUY! Actually, I have nothing negative to say about this song or this rapper. Kinda like Chocolate Rain on roid rage. Man, I wish I had a walking stick like that.

Denny "Blazin'" Hazen

I can't claim any foundership of this gem, but to this day it reigns supreme.  Let's see:

-Awesomely bad mullet. Check.
-Completely arhythmic flow. Yup.
-Grooveless beats. Seems so.
-Nothing remotely melodic or catchy. Totes.
-Anti-materialistic soapboxing from a guy lounging in front of a pool. Indeed.


That's a classic right there. If you haven't already heard it, I think you're gonna' be BLAZED.

BAD IS THE NEW GOOD: Jan Terri

How the hell did this happen-

"The heart is open like an open book and yuuuuuurrrrs is clowsed..."

In what a befuddled youtuber can only describe as "a blend of Mrs. Piggy, Jabba The Hut and William Hung" we have Jan Terri; the limousine-driving, Danny Devito-looking, 6 year old-sounding swamp donkey from Mars.

You know those late 80's anti-drug videos they made you watch in driver's ed? Did you love their music so much that you wished someone out there could make two albums worth of it and then sing monotone on top? Then boy are you gonna love this.

Known for such memorable hits as "Journey to Mars" and "Get Down Goblin," Terri made her mark in very select circles in the early 90's. Many of her tracks, it seems, were simply too far ahead of their time. Can you believe she didn't even use auto-tune?

Despite receiving an in-depth feature on the Daily Show in 2000 and opening for Marilyn Manson on one tour date, her meme potential has largely flown under the radar (How did Tosh miss this?). Who exactly is this natural (or unnatural) disaster—Omazing Grace's reincarnation? Rebecca Black's grandma? Terri remains as mysterious as ever, but one thing is certain; you'll definitely want to hang this on your wall.

IT'S CRABFEST!

Columbus, Ohio's Kings of Crab(core) Attack Attack have posted a brand new track off the forthcoming re-issue of their 2010 self-titled album!  Is it just me or are these guys getting just a little more bearable with each release?

Time to get crackin'

Blowlife

I believe I promised you some grade A audio-manure last week, so here it be.

There are rare moments in life when our paths suddenly change course; when rays of scintillating sunlight pour down from the clouds of consciousness and invigorate our being with new meaning and direction. British Columbia's own Theory of a Deadman recently had such a revelation.

We had a bit of an epiphany when it came to songwriting ...

We've been a band for over a decade now, 

and we realized what we're doing makes sense. 

There was a lot more confidence. I was able to dig in lyrically and be wide open.

- Tyler Connolly (Guitar/Straining into a Mic)

Sounds good, but how big of an epiphany is this?

This big. 

There's really no downplaying life's little thunderbolts. For instance, just last week, I realized that what I do on the toilet makes a lot of sense. There's a lot more confidence now; I feel like I can really be wide open. 

And you'll really want your ears to be when you hear this gem of a tune. Thought "Bad Girlfriend" was the greatest song ever (only eclipsed by "Crazy Bitch")? Did you love it so much you couldn't wait to hear it in swing time? Then get ready, cause' I think you're gonna' be blown away.

A Few Thangs

So ... I suppose I should fess up to a couple things:

1) I haven't been so on the ball lately with this whole blog thing

The Matrix is everywhere / Me chattin' it up with the oracle dead center

This past month has been pretty crazay as far as school and bad weather go, but since graduating the other day, I suppose I'm out of excuses. I have to start living up to my vocation as a professional blogger and music snob (HEY PITCHFORK: NEED ANOTHER BAD BAD WRITER?!).

I'm gettin' back on the saddle, so to speak. And I don't want to brag or anything, but I've already made 76 cents with Google Adsense (don't act like it's not a big deal...) and with any luck I'm guessing that my at least weekly posts (on Fridays!) will be as profitable as Lehman Brothers Holdings or maybe even Delta Airlines!

Watch out Broken Sticks is Unbroken.

On another note-

2) I've had a bit of a helping hand here

I've gotta' give props where they're deserved. Since week one, I've been working with an informant who has generously provided me with a near endless supply of content; something I like to call "audio-manure" (not to be confused with Stereomud, which you most certainly want in your music playing device). Broken Sticks field agent Van Diesel has been giving me the skinny on all the garbage currently raping the active rock charts. Remember that post about a little ditty called The Sex is Good? That was all him.

Who is Van Diesel and where did he come from? That, even I do not know; some say he was born with the shades, some say his head alone is capable of deflecting nuclear rays. Some even say that on a dark, starless night you can hear him in the desolate woods of Bethany Connecticut hosting sing-alongs and mafia tournaments. A man of mystery indeed...

That's all for now. I'll have a real post real soon.

Shalom.

It's 6:00

Rapture time!

CD REVIEW: Foo Fighters - Wasting Light

(Originally published on www.411mania.com/music)

There is a quote out there that reads something to the effect of, "Try to please everyone, and you will please no one." There may be no topic quite as relevant to this wisdom as music.

If an artist gets too soft and accessible, he is demystified and deemed a "sellout." If he crosses a certain threshold of heaviness and indulgence in his work, he is typically denied the publicity and, in many cases, funds necessary to continue. When bands try to combine both extremes the dung flies in all directions.

Yet Foo Fighters have spent an entire career swimming up this stream, and they've been damn successful too. The gritty hooks and needly guitar work rockers delight in, the arena rock anthems radio-idlers eat up, and the hole-punching riffs that even metal heads can begrudgingly respect. The group fights a three front war and, most of the time, they come out on top.

However, their success isn't one without qualification.

Foo Fighters have had a number of brilliant songs over the years (more often than not, singles), but I would hesitate to say the same of their albums. They're generally a mess; never disasters, but excluding a couple of notable early releases (The Colour and the Shape, There is Nothing Left to Lose), they're all over the place in quality and content.

You get your handful of aggressive rockers, 2-3 guaranteed smash hits, and plenty of lumbering ballads to ease you off to a sound rest. The guys may get away with an approach few can respectfully execute, but there is good reason why people say Grohl and company haven't been all that relevant since the turn of the century.
The guys have been overdue to get their acts together, overdue to stop being the band everyone "kind of likes" and will maybe leave the radio on for. It's about time.